Dysfunctional family= understatement

[Steve Winwood]

Ugh! Okay, here's the thing:

Some thought-gone-for-good family members have recently resurfaced in my line since my mom and I moved to another town. In a nutshell: Years ago, one of my uncles cheated on his wife with another woman and had a child with her. He subsequently divorced his first wife and kicked her and the two children he had with her out of the house so he could marry his new girlfriend (charming, huh?)
Anyway, to get back to the point, my mom and I have started visiting with Barb (my ex-aunt) and my two cousins, Randall and Christy. Here's where we get to the heart of the matter: A few years ago, Randall had a drunken one night stand with this woman Amanda, and they produced a daughter, Reigan. (Amanda also has another daughter with another man; this one has spina bifida). Anyway, long story short, Randall has an alcohol problem. Amanda and him seperated, and she is now turning into a vindictive bitch.She refuses to let Randall see Reigan (the baby) alone; she will only allow him to see her when the rest of the family are together, but he can never see her alone at his house. She also refuses to work and continually demands money from him. She won't even let him have any pictures of her. Basically, she's playing mind games with him and using the child as a weapon.
This, in turn, just makes Randall's drinking out of control. Several times, my mom has had to go pick him up when he's passed out drunk at a bar, because the rest of his family won't bother with him. See, Amanda is also spreading lies about him, turning his family against him.
I don't want my mom to get too caught up in this, but then again, he is family and no one else will help him.

*sigh*

[Steve Winwood]

Oh dear. I think perhaps I should have posted this in the Agony Advice forum.
Could one of the moderators kindly move it there, please?

[Steve Winwood]

Thanks for the move

[Jessie]

Wow what a mess he got himself into. He kicked his wife, and kids out for this other woman. She is treating him like crap, and using the child against him. He is drinking, and your Mom is helping him. I can see why he does need someone. It is sad your Mom is in the middle now. He needs to get help for his drinking, and maybe get the courts involved to see the child. If he is drinking, they will side with Amanda. I understand why you don't want your Mom involved, but Randall needs her now more than ever. If she turns her back on him, the drinking probably will get worse. I don't know how it will end up, but I hope he stops the drinking, and tries to make amends with the 2 children from his first marriage.

[graysonmom]

Kids learn how to behave from their parents. If Randall and Amanda don't get their acts together, Reigan will end up the same way, and her kids, and their kids.... So it's Reigan that I'm worried about. I'm also worried about this bit about not letting Randall see Reigan alone. Not at all meaning to be accusatory, but that doesn't sound good. Sounds to me like Randall needs to back off and get his head together before taking on the problems about his ex and baby, because, let's face it, if he's got an alcohol problem, then he's not going to be much of a dad anyway. So my advice is to encourage him to get himself into rehab and counseling (because he's bound to be torn up about HIS dad's rejection), then if after getting his life on track, he finds his ex to be truly unfit to be Reigan's mother, THEN he can sue for custody. But I gotta say, and no offense intended, Amanda may be a vindictive bitch, but I'm on her side about the visitation thing--I wouldn't leave MY kids alone with a drunk. No loving mother WOULD do that, I think.

I think it's nice that your mom's concerned. It must be a bit hard for her right now. You can use this as a bonding experience between you and her, by being supportive of her during this difficult time.

[Steve Winwood]

Oh I completely agree he needs to get his sh*t together
They've tried to send him to rehab, but he always checks himself out
The rest of his "family" does next to nothing to help him, so that really just leaves my mom

Hey, he's family, what are ya gonna do?

[TJames03]

While kids learn from their parents, (at least in this instance) I broke the cycle and realized that I needed meds to get out of my depression, while my mother and father are stilll in UTTER denial over their mental depressions, OCD, etc.

Not all kids will walk down the parents' same road (though, sadly, most will).

Don't know what to tell you about your prob.

Continually checking out of rehab is a waste of time, resources, etc., for everyone concerned.

[Mister Seagull]

I agree with graysonmom...the best thing you can do right now is be there to support your mother, even if it's just to listen to her unload about the situation. Try not to get caught up emotionally in this or you'll drive yourself nuts worrying. This is not your mother's cross to bear, and I hope it doesn't become too much of a burden for her, family or not.

[Steve Winwood]

Oh Lord, Randall's in jail for contempt of court
If he's not bailed out ($500) he'll have to stay there till his court date (April 19th)
This is getting out of hand
My mom and I are of the opinion that they should just leave his ass in there until Apr. 19
At least he'd dry out and they'd make him take his medicine (he's bi-polar on top of everything else)

[Pandora]

Oh Lord, Randall's in jail for contempt of court
If he's not bailed out ($500) he'll have to stay there till his court date (April 19th)
This is getting out of hand
My mom and I are of the opinion that they should just leave his ass in there until Apr. 19
At least he'd dry out and they'd make him take his medicine (he's bi-polar on top of everything else)

Hopefully Randall is still in jail.

I'm not sure they can make him take meds, but making himmdry out is still a plus.

[Dallasdaze]

Ugh! Okay, here's the thing:

Some thought-gone-for-good family members have recently resurfaced in my line since my mom and I moved to another town. In a nutshell: Years ago, one of my uncles cheated on his wife with another woman and had a child with her. He subsequently divorced his first wife and kicked her and the two children he had with her out of the house so he could marry his new girlfriend (charming, huh?)
Anyway, to get back to the point, my mom and I have started visiting with Barb (my ex-aunt) and my two cousins, Randall and Christy. Here's where we get to the heart of the matter: A few years ago, Randall had a drunken one night stand with this woman Amanda, and they produced a daughter, Reigan. (Amanda also has another daughter with another man; this one has spina bifida). Anyway, long story short, Randall has an alcohol problem. Amanda and him seperated, and she is now turning into a vindictive bitch.She refuses to let Randall see Reigan (the baby) alone; she will only allow him to see her when the rest of the family are together, but he can never see her alone at his house. She also refuses to work and continually demands money from him. She won't even let him have any pictures of her. Basically, she's playing mind games with him and using the child as a weapon.
This, in turn, just makes Randall's drinking out of control. Several times, my mom has had to go pick him up when he's passed out drunk at a bar, because the rest of his family won't bother with him. See, Amanda is also spreading lies about him, turning his family against him.
I don't want my mom to get too caught up in this, but then again, he is family and no one else will help him.

*sigh*

Okay let's clear out the horse puky! First, there are three sides to every story. Amanda might seem like a vindictive bitch as you put it, but she must protect her child. If Randall is drinking as you've admitted then by all fairness he should be supervised with the child until he gets some help and stays sober. Amanda is willing to let him see the child, but with special provisions. If you went to court right now, the judge would make it an
order for there to be supervision. Amanda obviously is not keeping the child from him if she will allow him to see the child with supervision.
You might not like hearing this,but it's the truth.
Secondly, blaming Randalls continued drinking on what Amanda is doing is bogus. Randall has a problem that is no ones fault but his own.
Giving him a crutch and excuses only adds gasoline to this already out of control inferno. No one forces him to take a drink. I once went to an AA
meeting with a very good friend of mine. There was an elderly man there who has attended for 22 years. He stood up in the meeting and said,"
You can take the sh*t,pull the sh*t and twist the sh*t, but you can't do the sh*t! If you're going down the road and there is a bar,go the other way.
If you have a drink in your hand,put it down!" He made us all laugh and yet was telling the truth. He continued saying he's sick of hearing everyone
complain about wanting a drink and bitching about their lives. He was a very wise man.
I would suggest , if you haven't already done so, to attend an AA meeting. Get to know the people. You don't have to be the drunk to arttend.
There are people there that can support you and help clear your mind. In return, they can help Randall.
As for Amanda, can you imgine how she must be feeling? She has a baby with a man that is never around for her and the child. His booze means more to him than them. Plus, by the way you talk about her, she knows she doesn't have the support she so desperately needs. The trust is gone.
The child is feeling all these feelings and experiencing all the pain. The child needs love,stability,a calm enviroment,and needs to see others care about her mom. If Randall can't provide that, then why not the family? The blaming,hate,and non trust needs to stop. This child doesn't deserve that.
Her dad needs to step up and get help. The families need to get help. The one thing missing from this equation is LOVE.
I wish you all the best.

[Steve Winwood]

Thanks for the replies everyone

Things seem to be quieting down finally
Amanda has at last allowed Randall to see Reigan alone at his house for a while
I'm thinking that time in jail did him some good
Here's hoping things stay peaceful

[Steve Winwood]

No no no. It was Randall's father who kicked his first wife and children out of the house to marry his new girlfriend. We think that's part of the reason Randall is so messed up